Defining Polyamorous Relationships

By Robert N. Kraft, PhD

Key points

• Non-monogamy involves redefining conventional relationships with romantic partners, friends, and family.
• Hierarchical and anarchic non-monogamy both entail developing autonomy, responsibility, and interdependence.
• The great variety in polyamory comes from creating relationships outside of cultural prescriptions.

In this interview, therapist and popular podcaster Sarah Stuteville answers essential questions about different ways of living a non-monogamous life.

Stuteville draws on distinctive expertise about contemporary non-monogamy—based on her private practice specializing in therapy with LGBTQ+ and non-monogamous populations, her podcast “Mistakes Were Made” about relationships, mental health, and non-monogamy, and her own non-monogamous marriage.

Robert Kraft: To begin, what practical suggestions do you have for people practicing non-monogamy, in any form?

Sarah Stuteville: All forms of non-monogamy begin with a strong commitment to honest and clear communication with yourself. This can be hard for many of us, especially in the areas of desire, sex, and intimacy. But we need to be clear about our own needs and boundaries before managing those issues with others. This includes considering the implications of hierarchical and anarchic relationships.

For non-monogamy to work, it’s crucial to set aside time specifically for checking in—whether that’s the “primary” relationship or not. When everyone chooses to take the time for potentially emotional conversations, this allows the necessary discussions of what’s working, what isn’t, and how people are feeling.

I also encourage people to find a balance in pacing—being aware of what you’re ready for, while also keeping in mind that experimenting and having fun are a big part of non-monogamy. You’re allowed to try things and see how they feel.

No two people’s paces will be the same. Polyamory will not be experienced equally, and trying to have equal experiences can push people into activities that don’t feel right. Learning to tolerate the discomfort of a partner’s new experiences and relationships serves everyone better than pushing hard in an attempt to “keep up.”

It’s also important to be careful about rules. Just as different types of polyamory are more flexible and malleable than the definitions that describe them, the actual practice of non-monogamy is more fluid and changeable than any stated rules of conduct. It makes sense to want guardrails and agreements to help build trust and a sense of safety.

But I think rules like “don’t fall in love” or “tell me as soon as you’re chatting with someone in a dating app” can set people up to break trust early on. We can’t predict feelings, and we need to appreciate change—because people and relationships are always changing.

Finally, you’re going to make mistakes, and that’s OK. That’s how you learn some of your most important lessons. To manage this trial-and-mistake process, it’s helpful to talk safely to others already in your life. Exploring polyamory in secret can be tempting, but being secretive is far more difficult than being candid with trustworthy friends and loved ones.

RK: How do you characterize consensual non-monogamy?

SS: I think of it as the practice of engaging in multiple romantic, sexual, and/or intimate relationships with partners who are all consenting to that arrangement. More broadly, consensual non-monogamy is about looking outside of cultural norms to build close relationships that work for the people involved in them.

Our culture can be very prescriptive regarding what types of relationships are “allowed” and honored as meaningful. For example, my husband and I co-own our house with another couple, and the four of us are more than friends; we are chosen family. And even though we aren’t in a sexual or physical relationship across couples, this chosen family is one of the ways I practice polyamory because it falls outside the conventional prescription for family. Although I recognize that non-monogamy has a more sexual/physical connotation in its definition.

RK: What are the distinctions between hierarchical and non-hierarchical non-monogamy?

SS: From what I understand, hierarchical non-monogamy describes a relationship structure in which one relationship (or a subset of relationships) is considered more central or more prioritized than others. Non-hierarchical non-monogamy is a practice that does not center or prioritize any of the relationships over others.

RK: Building on those ideas, what is anarchic polyamory?

SS: Relationship anarchy is a practice of intentionally collaborating and co-creating relationships that work for the people involved, outside of existing scripts about what relationships are “supposed to be.”

For example, relationship anarchists may live with each other and cooperate in parenting, while not being romantically or sexually involved with each other. Or relationship anarchists might be friends who explore particular sexual practices together, while also having romantic relationships with others. Or they may have a friendship in which people are legally involved with each other’s end-of-life decisions and care.

The point of relationship anarchy, like political anarchy, is not chaos (as it’s often portrayed in the media and culture), but developing autonomy and community, responsibility and interdependence, over rote power structures and cultural norms.

RK: What do you think of phrases that attempt to categorize different kinds of polyamory, such as kitchen table polyamory, garden party polyamory, parallel polyamory, and lap-sitting polyamory?

SS: I like that people are experimenting with vernacular and language to describe new ways of being in relationship with each other. That speaks to the desire to co-create, challenge scripts, and communicate outside of cultural expectations and judgments. These terms are a way to make containers for different ways of loving, having sex, being intimate, and being in community. And because they describe relationships, which are always shifting and changing, the terms themselves will also shift and change.

RK: What accounts for the great variety in non-monogamous relationships?

SS: Non-monogamous relationships are already off-script and outside the mainstream of our culture’s relationship narratives. Once you’re there, there’s freedom to create relationships that work for you and the other people involved, instead of attempting to shove relationships into one of the few culturally acceptable containers. As a result, people engage in relationships unique to them and their needs and desires, engendering greater diversity in relationship styles.

RK: Your therapy practice and your podcast have their home in Seattle. What is noteworthy about being polyamorous in Seattle that might be generalized to other places?

SS: Part of the reason Seattle has a large polyamorous community is that it’s one of the least religious cities in the country, which means less loyalty to religious arguments for more “traditional” relationship styles. It’s also one of the queerest cities in the country, which again may help cultivate openness towards different expressions of sexuality and relationships.

As with many cities, however, Seattle has been utterly transformed by late-stage capitalism, specifically the tech industry. And there’s much to critique and mourn about the immense power that corporations wield, which can lead to destroying the landscape, culture, and livability of a place.

But I also recognize that despite all of those changes, people often end up in Seattle because they're leaving cultures that don’t reflect their values and seeking more freedom in their everyday lives. Fostering more openness in any community will support relationships that rewrite conventional scripts and create more collectivist ways of living.